The Style Invitational Week 949 Analogies
By Pat Myers, Updated: Friday, December 9, 2:31 AM
Style Invitational is to Style as funny
bone is to funny. (Leonard Greenberg, the Style Invitational, 1995)
Greece is to the euro as Keith Moon was
to hotel rooms. (Kevin Dopart, TopFive.com, 2011)
Here’s a contest that (in
this form) the Invite hasn’t done in 16 years, but one we saw recently on the
humor Web site TopFive.com, where the Invitational’s No. 1 ink-getter for the
past five years popped up among the winners. We’ve had other analogy contests,
but this one is in the classic old-SAT form. This week: Give us an analogy
using “a is to b as x is to y.” Here are the Week 133 results and the TopFive
results.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two little bottles of
oral magic: From Sylvia Betts of Canada, a pocket “Magic Life-Transforming
Breathspray” that promises to make you “look and feel Canadian instantly” (it’s
peppermint-, not maple-flavored); and from Nan Reiner of the United States,
“Really Positive Energy Breathspray” (“made with ‘real’ unicorn juice!”) that
“instantly heightens your inner magnetism.” They’re from the same company.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a
tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to
or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 19; results published Jan. 8
(Jan. 6 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week
949” in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your
real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules
and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. This week’s contest was
suggested by Jeff Contompasis. The revised title for
next week is by Chris Doyle, just as it was last week when we accidentally ran
it a week early; this week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin
Dopart.
Report from Week 946, in which we asked for cynical, or at least wryly funny, definitions
of common words or terms, a la the 1911 “Devil’s Dictionary” by Ambrose Bierce:
The winner of the Inker
Hero: Someone who, in a
crisis, exceeds our lowest expectations. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)
2. Winner of the “Dork”
T-shirt spoofing the York candy logo: Music: Songs you listened to in college.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)
3. Grammar: The rules of
language as spoken by the generation immediately preceding one’s own. (Robert
Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
4. Supercommittee: A
committee designed by a committee. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
Honorable mentions: Column filler.
Standardized test: A
precision tool for measuring how well one performs on standardized tests. (Ann
Martin, Bracknell, England)
Occupy: To take or fill up
space without actually remembering why. (Mike Caslin, Round Hill, Va.)
Heathen: Person who shares 0
to 99 percent of your religious views. (Alan Hochbaum, Marietta, Ga.)
Baby grand: A bulky black and
white object that evolves from a musical instrument into a pedestal for
children’s photos. (Yuki Henninger, Vienna, Va.)
Lifestyle: The sum of the
things that distract us from the fact that we’re going to die someday. (Tom
Witte, Montgomery Village)
Independent: A voter who
likes to let people he doesn’t trust narrow down his choices for him. (Art
Grinath, Takoma Park)
New Hampshire primary: Whack
weeder. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.)
Hajj: It’s Saudi
duty time. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Banker: A gambler who
preaches thrift. (Dale Hample, Silver Spring)
Like: A verbal comma
unwittingly used by the grammatically challenged as a warning not to mate with
them. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)
Butt: The sole body part that
one fears might look too big in a given pair of trousers. (Robert Schechter)
Walk-in closet: A place to
store abundant amounts of “nothing to wear.” (Yuki Henninger)
Kardashian: Someone who
wouldn’t be caught dead shopping at the Kardashian Kollection at Sears. (Roy
Ashley, Washington)
Victory: A military triumph
granted by God to the side with the heaviest battalions. (Elden Carnahan,
Laurel, Md.)
Scrawny:Thinner than you.
Arrogant: Smarter than you. Greedy: Richer than you. (Melissa Balmain)
Plutocrat: Croesus manager.
(John O’Byrne, Dublin, sent while on a cruise to the Azores)
Freedom of religion: Freedom
of my religion. (Dave Ferry, Key West, Fla.)
Just sayin’: A phrase used by
small-minded idiots who believe that they can make stupid, hateful comments
without appearing to be small-minded idiots. Just sayin’. (Larry Gray, Union
Bridge, Md.)
Pound: What you can gain by
eating one snack, or lose by skipping 100 snacks. (Gary Crockett)
Presidential: Possessing the
particular combination of qualities required to play a president on television.
(Ash Carter, New York, a First Offender)
Two-minute warning:
Announcement made 15 minutes before the end of a football game. (Mel Loftus,
Alexandria, Va.)
Terps football fan: Someone
who sees the glass as half empty or completely, bone-dry empty. (Jeff Hazle,
Woodbridge, Va.)
Tithe: Prayola. (Kevin
Dopart)
Yard sale: A public airing of
your past purchasing mistakes. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)
Foreign policy: Alienation-building.
(David Garratt, Glenn Dale, Md.)
Yoda: A supposedly
super-intelligent creature who could not learn to speak proper English in 900
years. (Elden Carnahan)
Kitchen shears: Perfectly
weighted, precision-ground scissors used for cutting open bags of brownie mix.
(Melissa Balmain)
Tea party: An
afternoon gathering of people who enjoy the refreshments being served but don’t
want to pay for them. (Chris Doyle)
American: Someone who’s
certain of his place in the world but can’t locate it on a map. (Kevin Dopart)
Angst: White people’s blues.
(Tom Witte)
Congress: A house divided
that most of us can’t stand. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
Flat: The tax structure
favored by those who believe it should match the shape of the Earth. (Gary
Crockett)
Gesundheit: German word
meaning “Stay the heck away from me with that cold.” (Robert Schechter)
Guilt: Letting lies dog.
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Cowardice: The
“better depart” of valor. (Chris Doyle)
Husband: A retired boyfriend.
(Melissa Balmain)
Scandal: What it’s called
when a celebrity gets caught doing something everybody else does. (Tom Witte)
Newt: If he’s
elected, we’re eft. (Chris Doyle)
Scientology: FaitH that
offErs a traiL to comPlete coMprehEnsion of one’s PersonaL naturE And
relationShip to the universeE. (Mike Gips, undisclosed location in Bethesda,
Md.)
Next week: Laugh-baked ideas, or Ha la
carte